Why Healing Your Inner Critic Is the Most Important Work You’ll Ever Do

You’re a high-functioning woman, the kind who gets it done, keeps it together, holds space for everyone else, then your inner critic has probably been part of your success. Hear me out!

She kept you sharp. Focused.
She got you through deadlines, performance reviews, degrees, breakups, and burnouts.
She whispered, “Keep going,” even when you were already running on empty.

She’s a part of why you’re successful today.

But she’s often the reason you feel like you can’t exhale.

You might think your problem is perfectionism.
Or people pleasing.
Or emotional eating.
Or self-doubt.
But underneath every one of those patterns is the same voice.

The one that tells you you’re not doing enough.
That you’ve failed again.
That if you stop performing, you’ll fall apart.

That voice is your inner critic.
And until you heal your relationship with her, those patterns will keep running your life.

Let’s map this out

Trying to stop perfectionism?
You have to work with the inner critic first.

You try to say “done is better than perfect.”
You post the thing, send the email, hit publish.
But then that voice kicks in.

That wasn’t good enough.
Did you seriously let that go out like that?
You should have tried harder.

You feel exposed. Embarrassed.
And you don’t want to feel like that again.
So next time, you double down on the perfectionism because that feels safer.

It’s not the perfectionist part that’s the problem.
It’s the part that punishes you when you don’t meet its impossible standards.

Trying to stop people pleasing?
Same story.

You say no for the first time. You honour your own need.
And someone doesn’t like it (because they’ll be people that perceive your boundary as an attack and make it about them)

That was selfish.
They’re upset because of you.
You’re too much. You’ve ruined it.

You feel sick. Full of guilt.
So next time, you people please again. Not because you want to, but because it avoids the shame, it avoids being bullied by your inner critic.

Trying to stop emotional eating?
This is one of the clearest cycles.

You eat to soothe something — stress, loneliness, exhaustion.
For a moment, you feel a little better.

Then your inner critic storms in.

You’ve done it again.
What’s wrong with you?
You’re out of control.

You vow to be better tomorrow. You restrict. You push yourself hard at pilates.
But you’ve just spent a whole day being bullied. By your own mind.
By 9pm, you’re back in the pantry.
Not because you’re weak, but because you’re trying to soothe the pain of being internally attacked all day.

So what’s really going on?

In Internal Family Systems therapy, we call this a polarization.
It means two parts of you are in conflict.

One part tries to protect you - by helping, fixing, overachieving, overgiving, numbing.
Another part judges or attacks you for doing it.

This is what keeps you stuck.
You’re caught between two parts fighting for control.
And the more extreme they become, the harder it is to break free.

Let’s look at those same patterns through the lens of polarization.

The part that strives for perfection helps you feel safe and in control.
But the inner critic is waiting to attack if anything goes wrong.

The part that people pleases helps you maintain connection.
But the inner critic tells you you’re weak or selfish if someone gets upset.

The part that emotionally eats helps you soothe.
But the inner critic shames you after, making you feel even worse.

These are not random habits.
They’re protective patterns locked in a loop of fear and shame.

And here’s the key

These polarizations don’t resolve through willpower.
They don’t shift through logic, discipline, or mindset work.

They heal when the parts involved feel seen, understood, and safe.
Especially the inner critic.

Because every other part is trying to avoid her wrath.

That’s why in Magnetic, we start with the inner critic.

Not because she’s the biggest problem.
Because she’s the one your entire internal system is tiptoeing around.

When you heal your relationship with your inner critic, everything starts to change.

The people pleasing softens.
The perfectionism isn’t as gripping.
The emotional spirals lose their intensity.
You stop feeling like you need to earn your rest, your boundaries, your worth.

This is the work that changes everything

Not because it helps you manage your patterns.
Because it helps you heal them.

You don’t need to bully yourself into being better.
You need to build a relationship with the part of you that thought bullying was the only way to stay safe.

And from there
You lead from a place of softness, of strength, of Self

That’s where it begins.