What Is Relational Trauma (Also Known as Developmental Trauma)?
When we hear the word trauma, most of us think of big, defining events — a car accident, a sudden loss, a moment of violence or shock.
But there’s another, quieter form of trauma that shapes many high-functioning women, often without them realising it.
It’s called relational trauma (also known as developmental trauma).
And it’s not about one moment.
It’s about what was missing — over years.
What is relational trauma?
Relational trauma happens when the very people who were supposed to help you feel safe, supported, and nurtured… didn’t.
Not necessarily because they were abusive or cruel — often, it was subtler than that.
Maybe your caregivers were emotionally unavailable.
Maybe they were inconsistent, preoccupied, or dismissive of your feelings.
Maybe you were expected to be the “easy” child, the helper, the one who didn’t cause trouble.
Over time, your system learned:
My needs don’t matter.
It’s not safe to be vulnerable.
I have to stay hypervigilant to avoid disappointment or hurt.
I need to take care of others to stay connected.
This is the soil where patterns like people-pleasing, perfectionism, overfunctioning, hyper-independence, and self-doubt take root.
It’s not because you’re flawed.
It’s because your nervous system adapted to survive.
How does it show up now?
Relational trauma doesn’t just live in your mind — it lives in your body, your nervous system, and your relational patterns.
It can look like:
Feeling like you’re always “on,” unable to truly rest or let go.
Overthinking everything, constantly running scenarios in your mind.
Struggling to feel your emotions fully — you can talk about them, but not feel them.
Taking care of everyone else’s needs, but quietly resenting that yours go unmet.
Finding it hard to trust others, or to feel fully safe in close relationships.
Feeling stuck in cycles of burnout, self-criticism, or second-guessing.
Even if you’ve done therapy, read the books, journaled, or built a great life on paper —
you might still feel like something’s missing.
That “something” isn’t more knowledge or tools.
It’s the missing experience of safety, nurture, and co-regulation that your system never got.
Why can’t we just “think” our way out of it?
One of the trickiest things about relational trauma is that it’s not just cognitive.
You can understand why you are the way you are — but that doesn’t mean your body knows it’s safe now.
Your nervous system holds onto old patterns because they worked.
They kept you safe.
They protected you.
But over time, what once protected you can become what holds you back.
Real healing isn’t about cathartic releases or “fixing” yourself.
It’s about gently, patiently rebuilding what was missing.
Learning to soften the survival patterns, reconnect to your body, and create the safety you never had.
This work takes time.
It takes presence, not just goals.
And it unfolds bit by bit — helping your system relearn how to feel, integrate, and come home to itself.