Five Tips for Navigating Family Triggers Over the Holidays

The holidays can be a beautiful time of connection, celebration, and meaning—but let’s be real, they can also be a lot. No matter how much healing you’ve done, family gatherings have a way of hitting old emotional bruises. One offhand comment and suddenly you’re 12 again, feeling unseen, dismissed, or on edge.

From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, these reactions aren’t signs you’re “failing at healing”—they’re protective parts of you stepping forward, doing their best to help you avoid pain. And the more we meet them with compassion, the more powerfully we can move through these moments with calm, clarity, and choice.

Here are five IFS-inspired tips to help you stay grounded, self-connected, and resourced as you navigate family dynamics this season:

1. Pause and Breathe Before Reacting

You don’t have to respond right away. In fact, don’t.
When something stings, take a breath. Dr. Frank Anderson recommends creating just a moment of space between stimulus and response. That moment invites your Self energy—your inner calm, clarity, and compassion—to take the lead.
A few deep breaths can be enough to remind you: I’m safe. I’m here. I can choose how I show up.

2. Ask, “Which Part of Me Is Activated?”

The emotion you’re feeling has a voice and a story. Is it a younger part that used to feel invisible around the dinner table? A perfectionist part afraid of judgment?
Ask yourself gently: Which part of me is feeling this way right now?
Naming the part gives you distance. It reminds you that while this reaction is valid, it’s not all of you—and you don’t have to be swept away by it.

3. Offer Compassion to the Part That’s Struggling

Once you’ve identified the part, meet it with kindness.
“I see you. I get why this feels hard. I’m here now, and we’re okay.”
So often, these parts just want reassurance. They want to know someone’s got them—especially you. When your protective parts feel heard and supported, they begin to soften, allowing you to respond instead of react.

4. Protect Your Energy with Boundaries + Breaks

Self-care doesn’t have to be fancy. Sometimes it looks like stepping outside for a breath of fresh air, changing the subject, or simply saying, “I’m going to take a moment.”
Let your parts know: I will not force you into something that feels unsafe.
Boundaries don’t make you difficult—they make you grounded. You’re not responsible for managing the room. Your only job is to tend to yourself.

5. Let It Be Complicated (Because It Is)

It’s possible your family did the best they could and hurt you.
IFS helps us hold that “both/and” perspective. You don’t have to minimize the pain to honor the love, and you don’t have to abandon the love to acknowledge what was hard.
Embracing the complexity makes room for your full experience—and that’s what creates true emotional freedom.

Why This Matters

Your healing doesn’t need to be perfect.
You’re allowed to take up space. You’re allowed to feel triggered and still love your family. You’re allowed to walk away from the table and text your bestie a “WTF just happened?” moment.

The truth is—every time you pause, breathe, and offer compassion to your parts instead of pushing them down, you are breaking a generational cycle. And that is no small thing.

Final Thoughts

Family dynamics are layered. You won’t undo decades of patterning in one dinner. But every conscious breath, every boundary, every moment of compassion is a radical act of healing.

This year, let it be different. Not because they’ve changed—but because you have.