When Saying “No” Feels Scary: A New Way to Set Boundaries Over the Holidays
If the thought of setting boundaries during the holidays makes your chest tighten or your stomach twist—you’re not alone.
Maybe you’re worried about disappointing someone by leaving early. Maybe you dread saying no to that second glass of wine, or skipping a family event that drains you. The pull between protecting your energy and keeping the peace can feel exhausting.
But here’s the truth: boundaries don’t have to feel like walls or weapons. They can be soft. Clear. Quiet. And completely life-changing—especially when they come from love instead of fear.
What if Boundaries Were Less About “Them”… and More About You?
Most of us are taught to think of boundaries as something we do to other people.
“I need to tell them no.”
“I have to set a boundary with them.”
And just like that, it becomes a confrontation—something rigid or defensive. But what if you reframed it?
Try this instead:
“I’m honoring a boundary within myself.”
“I’m choosing what feels supportive for me.”
That tiny shift in language softens everything. It takes the pressure off and helps you remember—this isn’t about pushing anyone away. It’s about coming home to yourself.
Why It Feels So Hard (and What That Means)
If you feel guilty, anxious, or like “the bad guy” when setting a boundary, there’s likely a part of you that learned very early on to put others first. A part that believes keeping everyone happy is the safest route.
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) lens, these parts aren’t wrong or bad—they’re protective. They’ve been working hard to avoid conflict, rejection, or feeling like a burden. But they’re also tired. And deep down, they’re longing for someone (you) to finally say, “Hey, I’ve got us now. It’s safe to do this differently.”
What Boundaries Might Look Like This Holiday Season
They don’t need to be dramatic. They might be:
Leaving an event when your energy dips, instead of when the party ends.
Choosing not to drink, even if everyone else is.
Saying “no thank you” to conversations, foods, or traditions that don’t feel good in your body.
Blocking out 15 minutes in the morning just to breathe and be with yourself before the day begins.
These aren’t rebellious acts. They’re repairs.
They’re little ways of telling your system, I’m listening now. I care about how you feel.
Boundaries Aren’t Rejection. They’re Protection.
As you begin honoring your energy, you might notice that fear and guilt start to loosen their grip.
Not overnight, but slowly—because those younger parts of you start to learn it’s safe to say no without being punished. It’s okay to prioritize your well-being, even if it ruffles a few feathers.
And here’s the magic: the more you protect your energy, the more present and authentic you can actually be. Not just surviving the holidays, but choosing how you want to experience them.
Your Permission Slip
If you’ve been waiting for someone to give you permission to choose yourself, here it is.
This season, your needs are valid. Your energy matters.
And your boundaries? They’re not selfish. They’re sacred.
So, ask yourself: What’s one boundary I could honor this holiday that would feel like an act of self-respect?
Start there. That’s enough.
Want a holiday season that feels lighter, calmer, and more aligned with who you are (instead of who you’re expected to be)? You don’t have to figure it out alone. Check out my free ebook, The Voice Inside, for gentle, powerful tools to begin building boundaries from the inside out.